If art imitates life and vice versa, then surely we are allowed to integrate some parts of our leisure into our daily lives, and in more ways then just putting a low resolution copy of Van Gogh’s Starry Night onto our mobile for wallpaper.

I suppose we all take some facet of ourselves from what we admire, and it helps to have a reason to do so. Enter Basil Fawlty…

Fawlty Towers was a large part of my Sunday viewing each week; the episodes were on constant repeat, stuck between The Two Ronnies and Doctor Who. I loved the comedy in Fawlty Towers, and it still holds the honor of being one of the very few programmes to make me laugh out loud, but it would not be until later that I would appreciate Basil even more.

Like many people I had to get a job serving the general public. These are at times thankless jobs, with a large part of the population of our quaint little world thinking that because you are there to serve them, you must do so in a manner that lifts up their egos and justifies their status in life, even if they are the most annoying of fools.

As with all jobs you get when you are young, you start out with the best intentions, minding your manners and licking the boots of every person who asks you the most mundane query.

Communication Problems:

It has been said that the customer is always right. Whoever said this should be thrown into a pool of man eating piranhas, never to arise from the pools murky depths.

The first lesson in understanding the Basil syndrome is to realize that most people’s manners go out the window from the moment they arrive at any place that they are being catered to. The simplest one syllable phrase like ‘good morning’ or ‘you’re welcome’ is replaced by grunts and sounds that even the most hardened safari hunter would be stumped to categorize.

As solutions go this is easy as can be. Just mumble some witty phrase underneath your breath. If you say ‘Thank you’ and no one hears you or responds in kind, simply say ‘your welcome’ or ‘thank you for mentioning it’, in a way they almost hear. The looks you get are sure to be at least somewhat amusing and you are sure to be on your way to finding your Inner Basil.

The next step is to make sure that if you are asked a question that just shouldn’t need to be asked, make sure you give the impression that you are talking to the biggest jackass ever to step foot outside the barnyard.

A person asking in the mid afternoon if the newspaper he is trying to purchase is today’s edition should be looked at with a sense of seriousness as you check the calendar, then examine the date on the paper, all the while with a straight face.

The general public for the most part is stupid enough to take this abuse. I once worked in a store where Lottery tickets were sold in denominations that were for the most part recognizable by the size of the ticket itself. When one person asked which tickets cost a dollar and I responded ‘They are all the ones this size’, I was asked ‘Well which ones would they be?’ So the simplest answer to me was to whip out the measuring tape that was handy and measure three of the tickets (Yes, I actually did this act, the strangest part being that the person sat there and took it.).

Completely Loopy:

It can get worse (Or better depending on your point of view.). There are times as you explore more and more of your Inner Basil that you will find yourself on the brink of collapse. I once, desperately out of work took a job at a sandwich store - the type that allows the customers to see you making the sandwich’s as they wait in line. The purpose of this should be that you are seeing your food prepared and that there should be no reason to have any unsatisfied people.

One man had me walk along this long table of condiments and veggies just to say ‘this will be the worst sandwich I’ve had in my life’. At this point feel free to let loose and as I did throw the sandwich behind your back, walk back to the start of the line marching like a lion in a zoo and say ‘lets start this over again,’ making sure that when he returns you ask such questions as ‘would you like your lettuce facing south or north, and is that slice of tomato alright, or would you like me to plant some seeds out back and you can come back when they’ve grown?’

There are also moments that allow you to literally take lines from the master himself.
I once worked overnights at a convenience store, and one night while outside for a smoke discovered that a local bum had taken it upon himself to go dumpster diving for scraps. When discovered, he quickly removed himself and said he was sorry, standing in the filth he had strewn across the lot.

A normal person would quietly let the man be on his way, but not one with Inner Basil…

‘Oh please call me waiter. Tell you what, let me set up some of these crates and you can really tuck in, really get a right old feast going… ’

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